written 3 weeks ago:
" When something goes wrong, which seems to be occurring more often than not, I do make a vow to myself, constantly trying to change myself to avoid the feelings that lead me to continue to think. I cant think. I don't like thinking; i don't like feeling. It hurts. I'm never good enough. I can never measure up to how im supposed to be. The more i learn about myself, the worse it gets. I recognize all these problems that i have, but i cant fix them. i cant make them better. the only thing i know to do is to pretend they dont exist. it's getting worse; how did i let myself get this bad? i dont even know why i cut myself; how does it help anything? it doesnt. in a way, i think it makes things worse. but, i suppose that's where i feel comfortable, in that state. each day is becoming harder, harder to pretend, harder to live with myself. i want to hide and avoid everyone, because then there is no chance of disappointment. if i stay by myself, then i dont even have to deal with the feelings of unwant and undeserving. with each subconscious vow that i discover, comes a new vow. a new vow to fix the old one. vows are dangerous. why cant i be myself anymore? i cant pretend like im okay. i hate when people ask me how im doing because im not fine. i used to be able to lie about that, but not anymore. i dont know how to fix myself. and the more i try, the worse i get. i dont want to feel this way anymore. i dont want to be like this the rest of my life. if i continue at this state, who knows how long my life may last. suicide thoughts come more often than they used to. im supposed to be getting better. i have medicine now, i have a counselor. whats wrong with  me? i used to think that it's the devil attacking me because i am weak. but as i continue to read, i continue to discover that it's me, im the reason for all my problems. that thought irks me because im so messed up, and i did it to myself. i just want God to relieve me of this, help me please; i want to identify myself in him, have him be present in my every thought. however, thats easier said than done. every thought i have, every hurtful thought, seems justifiable at the time. on my rare good days, i see that they are stupid; but, in the moment, it's different. how can anyone like me when i am this way. i dont even like me. i want to spend all my time basically with my mom, because she has to like me. so does God. i'm not worthy of any other relationships, all i do is disappoint anyways. i even have doubts about my own mother's affection. for some bizarre reason, im not happy at home, even though that's where i desire to be. it's the only place i can really be myself, which isnt a pleasant thing. how can anyone enjoy that? my mother doesnt deserve that "Joan". she doesnt enjoy me as much as i dont enjoy me. i like music, t.v., movies, and books because i can escape. my mind is elsewhere. i dont see all my problems, but most of them are in my line of vision. i recognize the problem (most would say: "the first step")., but where do i go from there? i dont know how to fix these things about myself. this is the way i am. i dont like it at all. no one else does either. and that's why im so confused, literally confused about life. how do i fix the problems i know i have, and how do i find the problems i cant recognize? why is no one else feeling this way? i dont want to share how i feel, they wont understand, because i dont even understand. the fact that i do have depression acts merely as an excuse. its an answer im sure of. but, that's all i know. i want help, i need help. but no one cares enough to try and help me. they pretend when you tell them. but that's because i have forced them into an uncomfortable positions. i backed them into a corner, now they HAVE to care. they dont want to care about my problems. i am a burden. i want to feel loved, i want to truly believe that someone cares about me, someone wants to have a relationship with me. i want someone to persue me, but i know that wont happen. and if it ever were to happen, i know that once that person knew me, the real me, they would want out. and i dont blame them. its just something i need to accept. i know that, its just hard. and i know God loves me, i know he cares. but then why do i still feel this way? i dont crapping know. im so confused and i dont want to feel that way anymore. "

and its things like this that i feel the need to get out of my system, but have no one to share with, so rather than keep my thoughts in my old notebook.. why not advance, like the rest of the world? good ol' internet! yes. so, this is me, Joan. i promise im not always such a downer, as you will soon learn, i just struggle hard core dude. and i know that people relate to my feelings; i think we can help each other. you can help me help myself, in helping you help yourself:)  please excuse all the grammar mistakes in this first blog.. wont happen again:)